Dads: Coping with Loss After Miscarriage

Coping with loss after miscarriage is never going to be easy. Neither for mum or dad. It’s often the way however, that dad can be forgotten about. Dads often think that they have to keep strong and keep going, yet actually we want to grieve and deal with our emotions too.

We lost our first baby at 12 weeks and it was terrible. We want to break the taboo around miscarriage though and so I shared my inner most feelings about my experience: The Story of a Dads Miscarriage. I’d like to invite you to read my story.

People are different and deal with life’s twists and turns differently. But one thing that everyone has in common is that no matter which route you take through life, there are times when you feel close to the edge of the mountain or at the bottom of valley or lost in the middle of no-where. You don’t know how to feel and how to act and in my experience, our miscarriage was one of those times. Almost a year on from our miscarriage the memories are still vivid and what I can’t get my head around is that you can’t be prepared for it. Until you experience it, learn from it and move on you simply don’t know how to cope. This graphic isn’t designed to necessarily give answers because I don’t think there are any but rather offer a support and acknowledgement of how you might be feeling.

 

Coping with loss after miscarriage


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36 Comments

  1. Ashley Beolens 11 May, 2015 / 1:41 pm

    Firstly sorry for your sad loss. I can only imagine how it felt and would not like to experience any of it.

    I recall through each of the pregnancies of my kids being really worried for the first 3 months, it was often advised not to tell anyone until that was over for those reasons, something I did not understand as surely that is when you would need the most support?

    • Al Ferguson 11 May, 2015 / 4:27 pm

      Thank you Ashley. I agree- I think if more people had known about the pregnancy we may have had more support. On the flip side – it meant that we didn’t have to keep telling people that we had lost the baby as they were unaware that there was one. Thanks for your comment and support.

  2. Nicole @Little Blog on the Homestead 12 May, 2015 / 4:46 pm

    I feel like this is absolutely an amazing resource. Miscarriage/infertility/infant loss aren’t talked about nearly enough, but from a man’s perspective it is almost non-exisitent. It’s hard not to feel alone, or not to feel like you have ‘suck it up’ if you have no examples of other men dealing with these topics.
    Hugs to you and yours, I can’t even imagine what you have gone through but I know there are a lot of people who have and will be blessed by your willingness to share your story.

    • Al Ferguson 12 May, 2015 / 7:47 pm

      Thanks so much for your comment. :) I’m pleased that it is useful!

  3. Mama, My Kid Doesn't Poop Rainbows 16 May, 2015 / 3:16 am

    So sorry you lost that little one. Our son was meant to be a twin. It’s really hard. Those numbers are crazy. I often fail to realize how many people in my life have been affected by miscarriage. I agree we need to be more open.

    #bigfatlinky

  4. Sarah Howe 16 May, 2015 / 7:23 am

    Really good resource guys so thanks. I’m glad this is around for Dads. You never know what is going to happen and I’m under no illusions this isn’t a possibility for baby No 2. I will keep this resource in the back of my mind, Once again so glad you have your gorgeous little guy Al and you have such a strong marriage to get through it all and help others xx #bigfatlinky

  5. Lisa (mummascribbles) 16 May, 2015 / 7:28 am

    This is a brilliant resource for dad’s and mum’s – I definitely don’t think miscarriage is spoken about enough and by sharing your story, you will be helping lots of people. I’m so sorry that your story was such a hard one, the unknowing, it happening at the time of your wedding and having to deal with a loss of your first baby. My sister had three miscarriages after a healthy first pregnancy, so I know all too well on how devastating it can be. #bigfatlinky

  6. Something Crunchy Mummy 16 May, 2015 / 7:35 am

    Sorry to hear your lose. This is such a heartfelt post as its true dads do get forgotten. And it’s because you are so much stronger emotional than us – well my husband is – and he holds me together so I don’t fall apart in moments I could fall apart #bigfatlinky

  7. Lianne @ one of each kind 16 May, 2015 / 8:20 am

    Sorry to hear of your loss, life is so cruel and unfair sometimes. From your loss you have choosen to help others and raise awareness, that is a very commendable thing to do. Your post is very informative and will be of such great use to many.
    #BigFatLinky

  8. El and Baby A 16 May, 2015 / 8:45 am

    Sorry for your loss Al. Great post to help break the taboo and help others with their grief, especially Dads who hold it all in sometimes.

  9. Mummy Fever 16 May, 2015 / 1:13 pm

    What a wonderful resource, well done. It is hard whenever it happens. In some ways it is easier when people didn’t know, because you then have less people to tell, but because you are still going through the same emotions that can also make it harder. #bigfatlinky

  10. Susan 16 May, 2015 / 1:26 pm

    What a great resource! It’s nice to hear the side from a man. I never have. Its great that you bring awareness to it. I am so sorry for your loss

  11. Jeremy@thirstydaddy 16 May, 2015 / 2:26 pm

    It was a long time ago, and a different wife, but I’m not proud of the three day bender I went on after experiencing this late in a pregnancy. It’s a hard thing for everybody involved.

  12. Ali @ Mum in a nutshell 16 May, 2015 / 3:11 pm

    Sorry to hear you’ve experienced this. It’s always refreshing to read it from the Dad’s point of view. we did ‘t tell anyone we were expecting when we went through ours so it was a very private and personal thing. My husband is not very vocal when it comes to emotions so this article has really got me thinking. #bigfatlinky

  13. A Cornish Mum 16 May, 2015 / 3:28 pm

    Great post Al, hopefully it’ll make some Dad’s going through this feel a little less alone and more like they can talk about it. It may physically happen to the woman, but it takes two to make a baby and both feel the loss when it doesn’t work out.

    Stevie x #BigFatLinky

  14. Mike Smith | Sunshine Dad 16 May, 2015 / 7:40 pm

    Great post, great graphic & great advice. We too have our own story that I’m sure one day I’ll put into a blog post. I’m glad guys are starting to drop this ‘macho men don’t admit they have feelings’ nonsense. Thanks for being such a great resource for everyone!

  15. Mrs Puddleducky 16 May, 2015 / 8:26 pm

    Wow this is amazing and so informative such a great post. My hubby and I suffered a miscarriage at about 8 weeks I between our first and now second child. I was broken and my hubby didn’t know what to do. I still think about what could have been, I bet my hubby does too. Thank you for such a great post and what a support for all the dads out there x

  16. Mrs Tubbs 16 May, 2015 / 9:16 pm

    So sorry for your loss doesn’t really cover it does it? What an amazing resource you’ve created. Will definitely share it if it’s ever needed. #bigfatlinky

  17. Becky, Cuddle Fairy 16 May, 2015 / 9:59 pm

    I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s really great that you have written this to help other dads. #bigfatlinky

  18. Charlene 16 May, 2015 / 10:52 pm

    Thank you for writing about this. I know a lot of men who felt that their grief was overlooked. I know this will help many.

  19. Richie 17 May, 2015 / 1:58 am

    This infographic is an excellent source of information. Something that definitely needs to be shared. Thank you for creating it!

  20. Dawn of the Dad 17 May, 2015 / 9:00 am

    A great help for people and their loss.

    After all the excitement, and the building of dreams for the future, to get slapped in the face with this devastating news is one of the worst feelings.

    Great post, will be sharing! #BigFatLinky

  21. Kelly Edwards 17 May, 2015 / 2:06 pm

    It’s so sad that men are still thought of as bystanders during pregnancy, so it’s nice to have a real perspective and advice about coping with miscarriage and acknowledging that it can and does affect men too.

    It’s a step in the right direction to making it more socially acceptable for men to acknowledge that it’s okay to need help and advice about miscarriage and isn’t just something that affects women.

    In my mind, this also raises the wider issues of parenting that a fundamental shift is needed in advice and support from PND to general parenting. No longer are men bystanders to their child’s upbringing which should be acknowledged. Gender equality is a two way street – if it were the other way round, maybe we would be quicker to accept that it affects everyone.

  22. Sabrina (The Mummy Stylist) 18 May, 2015 / 12:39 pm

    This is a really well-put-together infographic, it will be useful for others I am sure. This subject is not talked about enough, I think men don’t like to talk about it – I know my husband didn’t when we had a miscarriage – so by reading articles like this will help . #bigfatlinky Sabrina x

  23. Random Musings 18 May, 2015 / 3:09 pm

    Amazing post – lots of good advice that seems to be sadly missing from a lot of places offering help with coping with miscarriages. It’s sad that in this age of so called equality that so many people still think the miscarriage is all about the Mother. Obviously it’s horrific for her, but I don’t see it as any less horrific for the Father.
    Debbie
    http://www.myrandommusings.blogspot.com
    P.S Thank you for hosting the #bigfatlinky

  24. Jenni - Odd Socks and Lollipops 19 May, 2015 / 9:04 pm

    So very sorry for your loss, I read your story post earlier on my phone and it brought tears to my eyes.
    I think it’s vital that information like this is shared, dad have to have support for things like this too and what you are doing is vital.

  25. martyn 21 May, 2015 / 10:10 am

    Good post and a great resource.

    It’s for this reason why I knew of the dad network; men don’t often talk and especially about difficult topics. But I find that incredibly sad because without unity we loose ourselves and feel lost. Coming from that original post and what’s been built from not is incredible but the fact that you wrote it in the first place is even more amazing.

    Dads now have a place to go, talk and share about these horrible life topics and even better you, the blog and the community have continued build up a safe and comfortable place with positive resources like this. Always great. :)

  26. Steph @MisplacedBrit 21 May, 2015 / 8:28 pm

    Thank you for putting the time into making this. Into raising your voice and saying something in the silence…
    I’ve just started to whisper.
    This was truly helpful for me Al.

    • Al Ferguson 22 May, 2015 / 9:29 am

      Thank you for your kind words Steph. Sending our love to you.

  27. Mother Mands 23 May, 2015 / 10:02 am

    I know you have a different post for #BigFatLinky this week, but this is the post most relevant to me and my husband at the moment.
    I know our situation is a little different, but loss is loss and it’s all heartbreaking when you are so excited about a baby. We have definitely found that in a lot of circumstances since our daughters stillbirth that my husband has pretty much been left out of the conversation when talking to health professionals, though to be honest this was true all through pregnancy too. The typical stereotyping that dad’s aren’t interested in certain things and wouldn’t have a clue is rubbish! My husband wanted to know everything and was so excited.
    Now we try to keep talking to each other when things come up, when we get upset, discussing everything, because a lot of people don’t want to discuss it, especially to my husband. He write some things down too and I know myself how much that helps. Getting outside lots together, walks, etc and he takes the dog out on his own once a day because he needs some time on his own.
    I think this is a great post. Dads should not be forgotten about, their grief is just as strong and they need help and someone to listen too.

    #BigFatLinky

    • Al Ferguson 24 May, 2015 / 9:04 pm

      I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s so awful. And please pass our thoughts on to your partner. Is he part of our dads group on facebook? He’ll be able to chat to other dads, many of whom have had the same/similar situations.

  28. Joanna @mumbalance 5 June, 2015 / 10:56 pm

    I’m glad that you as a dad want to talk about such a painful and personal thing as miscarriage. It is very true that man tend to be sidelined and not asked how they feel about losing the baby. You have a voice among dads and it’s great that you raise it to support other fathers and spread the knowledge about miscarriages – sadly they are relatively common.
    I’ve recently reviewed a lady who is directing a documentary about women and their families, who have experienced miscarriage. I think you may find the project of interest – Don’t Talk About The Baby (DTATB).
    3 weeks late… #BigFatLinky

  29. Robb 10 January, 2016 / 11:38 pm

    I have used your story of comfort and sadness today. At 7 weeks my girlfriend miscarried and I really don’t know how I should feel. I am crying alone and when she can’t see me and at the same time feeling all her pain.
    I don’t know what to do. But thank you for your story.
    How does it get better? When do you start to feel not empty

    • Al Ferguson 11 January, 2016 / 9:18 pm

      Hi Robb, Appreciate your comment and I am so sorry to hear what you’re experiencing. It does get better. Or rather, easier. My advice is to tell your girlfriend how you’re feeling, but I know that can be tricky. If you want to get in touch, my email is: dad@thedadnetwork.co.uk All the best buddy.

  30. Trina 22 March, 2016 / 9:55 am

    We had been trying for a year when I got pregnant, and then we miscarried around week 8, not only did my partner have to deal with the loss, but then I went into a very deep depression and went from being very depressed to being very angry at the lack of support he was receiving for our loss. Two years later and we are still trying, but the pain is not as raw as it use to be.

    Thank you for sharing this with us

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