Dealing with Miscarriage: A Dad’s perspective

Yes, Men have miscarriages too!

Last summer was an interesting time in my life. Whilst planning a wedding and getting married, my soon to be wife (and I) were told that we have a 99% chance of having a miscarriage and it was a simple case of waiting for the inevitable to happen at any moment.

We were only 6 weeks gone when my wife found some bleeding. We rushed to the hospital and they told us it wasn’t good. Having been so excited about being pregnant in the first place, being excited about wedding plans and getting married, our world crumbled.

My wife had the physical symptoms as well as emotional, which was so hard to see. The women I love with all my heart was in so much pain and I was powerless. That was so hard to deal with. And then on top of that, the pain that I felt as well was tremendous. I guess some people feel like they’ve lost something they’ve never had and therefore feel differently but I knew about it and had begun to bond and emotionally attach myself, which is why I was hurting. I carried on at work and tried not to think about it. I tried my best to support my wife and tell her it would be ok, but at the same time, I was feeling the same as her; confused, upset, disappointed and scared. All we could do was support each other as best we could.

I wondered if I had done something wrong to cause it, fed her something she shouldn’t have had or bumped into her, or even through being intimate but I know that it is just part of life and wasn’t my fault. (I think she felt the same.) In fact, after speaking more openly about it, it’s amazing how many people this happens to. I think it’s natural for the mum to get a lot of attention and questions asked to her, “are you alright?” “How are you feeling?” “Can I do anything for you?” But what meant the most to me was when the occasional (and it was occasional) person would ask me those questions. Being a man, I wouldn’t spend long telling them my inner feelings, but the thought that some acknowledged that it was hard for me as well was enough. At that point in my life many of my friends had moved on and so I didn’t have any “guy” friends to talk to. And I don’t mean “talk” to, like women do, but merely sit with and say how bad things felt.

We were faced with a choice whether to cancel our honeymoon and our wedding just in case the miscarriage started. We didn’t and we were so lucky to have the most amazing wedding and a relaxing, if not slightly preoccupied, holiday. And now, being pregnant again and happily married, we feel like overcoming that has made us draw closer together and prepared us to build strong family bonds as our family grows.

There is so much I could write on here, and as this is the first time I have really found space to talk about it, it’s probably rather muddled up, but it’s a start. I really want other dads in similar situations to be able to do exactly this. Share their feelings and get out all of those thoughts that we keep inside. (Often, due to lack of opportunity.)

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