“I’m a prisoner to my nipple obsessed daughter”


Dreaming of nipples…

I’m sitting at home watching Tunisia play Qatar at handball while our newborn baby screams in my ear. I’m wondering if this is what heaven is like.

There’s been a lot of obscure Olympic sport watched to the soundtrack of horribly shrill baby shrieking over the last few days; judo, fencing, table tennis, canoe slalom, something called radial sailing. I am well and truly living the fatherhood dream.

I’m hoping things will change moving forward, but week one of parenthood has been like when the mafia ‘go to the mattresses’ during times of gang warfare. We’ve hardly left the house all week for fear of detonating an explodable newborn baby bomb. A dirty bomb.

As it stands, if Mila is conscious, the only way to stop her screaming is to stuff a nipple in her mouth.  Alas mine are a bit hairy and dormant, so it’s my good lady wife who has to be constantly on standby with an emergency nipple bung. But then, when the time comes to remove the nipple from our baby’s mouth, it’s like removing a pin from a WWII hand grenade that you’ve found in your back garden.  You don’t know if the hand grenade is live or not, but if it is live you can be sure that it will go off in your face and leave everyone around splintered with shrapnel.

This nipple stuffing technique does seem to be foolproof, but it’s pretty tough for my wife.

“I’m like an industrial cow!”  she says.

“I’m just here for milking. I don’t think she’s even seen my face! All she’s interested in is my tits!”

Maybe she takes after her father.

“Aaahh.” I reply in my soothing voice.

“You’re not an industrial cow honey. More like a lovely organic cow that has been well looked after by a loving farmer.”

I think for a second, before continuing with my inspirational pep talk.

“I actually like to think of you more as her favourite restaurant. And not just any restaurant!  You’re not Nandos for example. Although I do like a Nandos, but still. If anything you’re like a lovely little, local, healthy restaurant. You’re probably even gluten free!” (I still have no idea what gluten is.)

“But I can’t keep up with the demand!” My wife is close to tears as she nurses her savaged nipples.  I’m fairly confident that a career change to become a wet-nurse is not on the cards.


I’ve been pumping furiously for hours. Alas, so far nothing. It must be broken.

“That’s why I spent a morning traipsing around Budapest trying to buy a breast pump!” I reply.  “Now, not only can she dine in whenever there’s a table free, but when the restaurant is full she can also get take away! I don’t think even Nandos do takeaway!”

Maybe they do, but taking a leaf out of Trump’s book, I’m not going to let something silly like facts get in the way of the story I’m trying to tell.

If truth be told, Mila is at a stage where she will suck anything put in front of her.  It’s her only hobby.  Her only apparent love in life.

On Mila’s eighth day on Earth we decide to face our fears. She wakes up at midday. My wife pacifies her with a nipple. Half an hour later she slowly removes the nipple. Huzzah! This grenade is not live!  We carefully place our cute little sleeping daughter in to her buggy, pop our flip-flops on and leave the flat. Twenty metres later, Mila wakes up. She apparently doesn’t appreciate the fact that we didn’t get her sign off for our expedition.

She screams.

Our neighbours probably assume that I am butchering a piglet. In desperation we return home.

We are prisoners to our nipple obsesses little warden. We are in Newborn Baby Alcatraz. But never mind. At least we can now go home and watch India play Lithuania at badminton.



  1. Yonge C. 31 August, 2016 / 8:26 pm

    You seem to going through a horrible time that is typical when something is not right. If a baby screams every time she’s not nursing its because something is not right. Usually it is because they’re hungry, despite spending a lot of effort and time trying to get the milk to transfer from breast to baby. There could be many reasons, of course, but most often (unless its some hidden medical thing but usually its not) its because the milk is not getting transferred despite valiant efforts on the baby’s behalf to get fed. Of course the next obvious question is why not? Thats what you need a competent lactation consultant for. Babies born in medical environments are very often separated from their mothers at some point. That creates tension in the jaw. A clenched jaw can result in terrible nipple pain. Plus it means the movement is not right and jaw probably isn’t opening wide enough so despite the energy put into it, the milk production is not getting stimulated properly. There could be a tongue tie issue and or lip tie. That means the tongue is tethered too tightly to the floor of the mouth and can’t undulate forward and backward or maintain succion which means the milk canals are not stimulated and the breast doesn’t get drained properly. All that ends up in milk production slowing down. Regardless of all the possibilities, (there are more but those are the first most common ones) having your beautiful precious new life treated with a pediatric ostéopath or chiropracter will eliminate the cranial and jaw tension, then you can check out the tongue or lip tie question. You can probably get an appointment with one of those fast. I suggest you get a reputed competent lactation consultant asap because everyone in your family seems to be suffering unnecessarily. No one wants to continue breastfeeding when that happens. Keeping people ignorant in these matters is all to the benefit of formula companies, which is why lobbying is so successful, and most medical professionals are not trained at all or very little in these things, and can’t help new parents. If you want to succeed, its up to you to look for and find the answers. Good luck new parents.

    • Yonge C. 31 August, 2016 / 8:36 pm

      Oh, another tip that realllllly helps these problems, is to put baby in a wrap carryer, plug her onto the nipple (if nipple pain is no longer an issue) and let her nurse as long as she needs to to make up for what is lacking in spaced out feeding. I didn’t have a wrap or anything else for my first born and the first 2 months were like your above description. For second born I “wore” him in the wrap carrier all day, for the first 4 months, plugged on most of the time. I was free to go wherever I wanted, screaming free, stress free, all day out if I wanted to, because baby just stayed plugged on and I was more or less hands free. He has 10 times more confidence than his older brother now. I put that down to “living” his first few months of life outside the womb, in the wrap carrier. It makes becoming a parent a totally different experience. You can learn how to put one on, from dozens of video demonstrations on youtube. Being enveloped is what the need neurologically and the lack of stress that bb wearing brings is what we need as new parents in our new role in life.

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